Wide World of Quotes > Bill Maher Quotes


Bill Maher
American comedian, actor, writer and producer
(1956- )



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Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
-- Interviewed on The O'Reilly Factor (26 September 2006) - transcribed from the YouTube clip "Fox's O'Reilly: Bill Maher Looks Bigoted Not John Rocker?"

We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, that's not cowardly. Stupid maybe, but not cowardly.
-- Politically Incorrect show(17 September 2001)

The Partnership for a Drug Free America? Please, make me laugh and gag at the same time with that title. They're a lobbying arm for the liquor and prescription drug industries. They don't want a drug-free America, they want an America free of the drugs that are their competition. Prozac doesn't want to go up against marijuana, it will lose.
-- Be More Cynical (2000)

Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.
-- Be More Cynical (2000)

The values of Western civilization are not just different, they're better. I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism, that all civilizations are just different. No, not always. Sometimes things are better. Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy. Equality of the sexes, better. Protection of minorities, better. Free speech, better. Free elections, better.
-- Be More Cynical (2000)

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery, but a little modesty about it might keep the heat off of us. I can't stand the people who say things like, "We built this country!" You built nothing. I think the railroads were pretty much up by 1980.
-- Be More Cynical (2000)

I would say that the feminine values are now the values of America; sensitivity is more important than truth; feelings are more important than facts; commitment is more important than individuality; children are more important than people; safety is more important than fun. I always hear women say, "Y'know, married men live longer." Uh, yes, and an indoor cat...also...lives longer. It's a fur-ball with a broken spirit that can only look out on a world it will never enjoy, but it does, technically, live longer.
-- Be More Cynical (2000)

One of the complaints leveled against me is, "Oh, Bill, you're such a meanie. Why do you have to go after religion? It gives people comfort; it doesn't hurt anything." Okay, well, other than most wars, the
Crusades, the Inquisition, 9/11, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girls' schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor rape, human sacrifice, burning witches, suicide bombings, condoning slavery, and the systematic fucking of children, there's a few little things I have a problem with.
-- But I'm Not Wrong (2010)

The sad fact about the mosque is the people who are building that mosque are part of the Sufi fringe moderate part of their religion. That's the good part. That's the liberal part. Those are the Hippies of the Islamic world. We should encourage them. The people who want to build that mosque, those are the people we should be courting. Bush used that guy. Bush — that administration sent him overseas. Yes, that's the way to fight terrorism. That's the way to win the war, is to get those people on our side, not to alienate them. … I mean, the biggest population of Muslims in the world is Indonesia. They're not crazy. The second biggest is India. There's 150 million Muslims in India. They're not crazy. …But Saudi Arabia, they're crazy. The Taliban in Afghanistan, they're crazy. Parts of Pakistan are crazy. Hamas is crazy. There's enough of them to worry about.
-- Larry King Live interview (2010)

I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it. That's not what the Republicans do. … I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist. But, no, I'm not like Mitt Romney, whose book is called No Apology, the Case for American Greatness. Really? Always waving the big foam number one finger; we're not number one in most things. We're number one in military. We're number one in money. We're number one in fat toddlers, meth labs, and people we send to prison. We're not number one in literacy, money spent on education. We're not even number one in social mobility. Social mobility means basically the American dream, the ability of one generation to do better than the next. We're tenth. That's like Sweden coming tenth in Swedish meatballs.
-- Larry King Live interview (2010)


We entered the century afraid that a computer glitch would ruin our economy and our defenses and plunge us into chaos. The real Y2K threat was a privileged Texas dry drunk with a mean streak, a staggering lack of intellectual curiosity, and a Lennie-and-George relationship with something called Dick Cheney.
-- "The 2000s" in Vanity Fair, October 2013

We lost: the Fourth Amendment. That was the part that said the state couldn't search you without a warrant, and they couldn't have a warrant without a reason. Now they can -- thanks, Patriot Act!

We gained: Facebook. Like!

We lost: the Fifth Amendment. That was the part that said they couldn't imprison you without a trial.

We gained: Pinkberry.

We lost: the Sixth Amendment. Where they said your trial had to be public and you could have a lawyer.

We gained: the Snuggie.

We lost: the Seventh Amendment. That trial you're not getting, that one that was supposed to have been held in public, and you were supposed to have a lawyer? You also used to get a jury.

We gained: The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

We lost: the Eighth Amendment. They used to not be allowed to torture you.

We gained: 24.
-- "The 2000s" in Vanity Fair, October 2013


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The selection of the above quotes and the writing of the accompanying notes was performed by the author David Paul Wagner.

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